Falling

I reconnected with a former work colleague recently who I really like, and we made a plan to meet for lunch.

My stubborn inability to estimate the time to do something nabbed me again. As I walked the 13 blocks to the diner, I realized I would not make the appointment in time. I marveled that I was able to transverse the same 13 blocks plus 3 long avenues the night before in about the same amount of time I allotted to go only 13 blocks, shook my head, and began jogging to get there faster.

Somehow I tripped and fell. I don't know whether I tripped on my own feet or broken sidewalk. It is strange because I am hyper aware of everything else about this fall which seemed to take place in slow motion.

I recall initially attempting to shift my weight to avoid falling. It seemed for a micro-moment as if I would recover. But then I continued to fall forward until I slammed into the pavement.

As my knee hit the sidewalk, my heart sunk. My knees have been causing me some pain for the past several years. It is essential that they work so I can dance. My movements have already been compromised by minor knee pain. A chiropractor told me there is little that can be done to make them better.

This was likely to ruin my knee and further curb my ability to dance.

A woman came over to help me get up. I wanted to get up on my own just to assess the damage. She told me I was bleeding on my chin.

My last INR test had been very high. In fact, it was one percentage point away from dangerous. As a result, I was warned to avoid falling or hitting my head.

My hands felt numb, and I was nervous that this indicated a bad ramification of falling with very thin blood. I wanted to phone my insurance company's nurse hot line to get advice, but my hands felt like mittens and I couldn't grasp (let alone dial) my phone.

People stared at me as I hobbled to the diner. My purse strap was broken, my sweater was torn, and my chin was bleeding. I was on the verge of tears. I must have looked startled and deranged.

I met my friend and tried not to cry. It is unclear why I was so weepy. By this point I wasn't in that much pain. Maybe it had something to do with feeling fragile. This has been a very difficult year, and I can't absorb another problem.

People at the diner stared at me. I got the sense the staff did not want me to stay. There are strong taboos about blood in the age of AIDs and Hepatitis. Perhaps my bleeding chin made them nervous. It bled for the next hour.

This experience tapped into some notions about my unemployment that simmer at the back of my mind. Although my status is involuntary and I am seeking work, I feel guilty about not working. I sense that others think I am to blame for losing my job. A laid off worker is unwanted. For whatever reason the employer rejected me rather than the person sitting next to me.

It may be my own perception rather than a real phenomenon, but being an unemployed person during the Great Recession feels radioactive. It makes others uncomfortable to be around a person who has lost their job.

It is as if unemployment is the plague. People are afraid they will be next to get a pink slip. They want to avoid those who have succumbed and mingle with the strong.

Others simply don't know how to respond. Everyone knows those who have lost their jobs are unlikely to get employment. If they do, it is probably going to be for a lesser position with a substantial pay cut. Its difficult to be around someone facing such prospects. There is little one can do to help.

As unemployment drags on, I find it more difficult to socialize. I feel like a poor kid with my face pressed against the glass of the candy display case. It seems inconceivable that other people get candy. I feel isolated, depressed, and scared. It can't be pleasant to be around me.

At the diner I had the physical signs of a fall. My pathetic interior was matched by noticeable external bruises, limping, torn clothes, and bleeding. It was as if the fears I harbor as an unemployed person were on display. I resembled a social outcast.

At least I still have health insurance. After lunch, I went to my doctor so he could examine my swollen and stiff knee. You never know where the day will take you. On this day, it was the Columbia Presbyterian radiology department so a technician named Irving could give me an X-ray.