Surrender

Unbeknownst to me, I walked around with large blood clots in my leg for two weeks in May. On the evening before my last post, a massive blood clot moved through my heart and exploded in my lungs. It happened in my sleep.

As the tissue in my lungs began to die, I felt pain that I dismissed as an onset of long-dormant asthma. The pain continued and my insurance provider's nurse hotline advised me to go to the emergency room, but I went to an all-night clinic where my co-pay was much lower. I was again advised to go to the emergency room but hesitated due to the $300 co-pay. The pain worsened, and I finally went to the emergency room. I was diagnosed with pulmonary embolisms and spent the next 4 days in the hospital. Upon discharge, I went directly to Maryland to recuperate with my family.

The moment I was diagnosed and informed that I would be hospitalized is probably the moment that I began to surrender. The doctors took control of my body. Then I succumbed to the wishes of my family.

I had to recuperate at the homes of my relatives because I couldn't walk the 4 flights of stairs to my apartment. I wore clothes that were packed for me by someone else. I ate whatever groceries were on hand. My job search was put on hold, and then into low gear.

Now that I am back in New York, I have more choice about what I do day to day. But I realize I am still in a state of surrender.

It is easy to get angry and sad about all that life has thrown at me this year. In an attempt to avoid self-pity, I try to find lessons to learn from the experience.

I suppose the biggest shift I have experienced is in my perspective. The issues that were nagging me when I got sick seem petty now. Unemployment is a major issue, but it isn't immediately life-threatening. The bills will be paid somehow. I will carry on.

I also realize that any sense of control that I thought I had over my life was an illusion. A year ago I had a job, a great apartment, my health, and a budding relationship with a man I really liked. The reality was there were people at a much higher level than me at my company making decisions about the future of the business, and they didn't value my work at all. The apartment belonged to the landlord and he moved to evict me and my room mate because he wanted to charge far more rent. My doctor performed a physical and declared me healthy based tests taken at that time. The man seemed to like me, but I suppose he really didn't or his feeling changed.

I have some influence over what happens to me. I suppose I am lolled into thinking that doing a good job will keep me employed or paying my rent on time will keep me in an apartment. The reality is: the causal relationship I envision isn't always there. The whole world is random and capricious. People and businesses don't disclose their motives. Bodies change. It is my task to deal with it.

I try not to worry. It diverts too much energy from healing. I'm in good shape, but I have not completely healed.

Worrying also diminishes any good that happens. If there is only a glimmer of good happening each day, I don't want it overshadowed by concerns that may not really manifest themselves as problems.

I walk less and I buy less. I endeavor to enjoy my time here a little more by not beating myself up about expenses I can't reasonably avoid. I try to focus on the fact that my situation was improved by the income I earned from freelancing in April and May.

I still have to forge ahead with my job search, but I will also give myself a little bit of a break and breathe.

It is a little creepy to read my last post. The text now seems to have anticipated what followed. Any day could be my last, so I better enjoy at least a part of each day.