I am Not Going to Freak Out

The moment I heard that Dr. Goldman left a message on my voicemail, I knew it wasn't going to be good news.

In addition to biopsies in my intestines, I also had a biopsy of a small growth on my shoulder last week. In comparison to the colonoscopy, this procedure at the dermatologist was an after thought.

In fact, I had watched the thing bloom on my shoulder for months before pointing it out during my annual exam. It didn't display the classic characteristics of skin cancer: dark color or irregular border. Dr. Goldman gave me a cream to put on it, and I expected it to go away.

But a month later it was still there and he did a biopsy.

Now I know it is basal cell carcinoma. Skin cancer.

I've had it before, and I am not as worked up as I was the first time. But I am still reeling from the fact that there is cancer in my body.

He thinks removal of more skin from the area will take care of it, but he wants it done quickly.

I have 3 lovely scars on my body where moles have been removed. It is incredibly petty, but I am depressed about getting a scar on my shoulder.

It feels like there is less and less of me that is still pretty and I am about to lose another pretty piece.

This reminds me of the ugly truths one learns while growing up. I tend to think these realizations -- parents have faults, a person who loves you one day can be indifferent the next day, people who seem nice can be dishonest -- happen in adolescence or young adulthood.

But I am confronted by disappointment over and over again. This is the way life is. As I age, I will look worse and worse. My diet, mobility, and energy will be curbed. And I have to learn ways to cope with it. This process will last a lifetime.